I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
