You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
