Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
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just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
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Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.