just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
