At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
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