I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
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I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
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On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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