mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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