Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
