I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
