did you get engaged???
is wine microwaveable?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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