Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Randomize
