my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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