I'm eating all of the evidence.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
