I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
