I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I pour the whiskey from now on
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
