I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
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Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
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I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
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