I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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