then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.