I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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