Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
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