did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
