ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
i now understand why vodka
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
