She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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