Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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