wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
