I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
my nose is crying tears of wow.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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