I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
