life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
