I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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