This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
