I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I'm at about main and main street
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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