my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
