I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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