No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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