I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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