youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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