Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all