I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I woke up under a house in Key West
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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