One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
