theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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