please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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