Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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