don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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