eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
