you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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