I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
