he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
