Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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