ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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