3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Where is the hickey?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
