Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
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Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
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I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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