I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
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