What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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