Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
