Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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