Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
