nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
