You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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