Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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