he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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